Friday, July 28, 2006

when you just don't wanna

you ever have that feeling when you know you should do something but your brain, or heart, or ego, or laziness responds with "eh, i just don't wanna"? you don't really have a reason. that phrase, to you, is your reason. it's plain and simple: I JUST DON'T WANNA.

i've been having a lot of those moments lately. whether i engage in using the abovementioned phrase for big things, like my reason for not going to bible study, or little things, like why i didn't eat the rest of my bagel at breakfast. i can't figure out if i'm in a funk or if it's just pure laziness. i don't feel lazy. things that make you say "hmmm." this is one of those things.

i think one of the reasons why "i just don't wanna" do things lately is my awareness that i actually am on my own now. i'm at a point in life where i'm looking for a new job, a new place to live, i have to get a clicking noise fixed on my car, and i'm trying to write a tv pilot in my spare time. sometimes i think "hello? is anyone out there? mommy? dada?" and there's no response. just me. just me, myself, and i. this realization of independence (true independence) is, i think, making it easier for me to make decisions - because i have to. (ps - i'm one of or WAS one of the most indecisive people ever).

ramble ramble ramble ramble. point of this blog is: i want to find a better excuse or reason for why i do or don't do certain things. i know it's good sometimes to "go with your gut" or "follow your heart" but i want to make my decision making a little more cerebral. i want to have an opinion or reason for why i am who i am and make a statement for that.

so, why am i writing this blog? no, not because i just wanna...

i'm writing this blog because my thoughts were reeling this morning and i was tired of my passive attitude toward things. i want to take action, be more active, and by writing this blog it's a step in that direction.

peace out playa

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

excerpt from an instant message - Part 3: baby banana sarong anderson

s- hey, did you get my email about gillian anderson
e - no not yet
e - whats up
s - she's PREGNANT
e - WHAT
s - yeah!
e - with who's baby? the guy she just left?
s - i emailed you the people article
s - no, a business man
e - oh wow
s - she's due at the end of the year
s - WHICH MEANS
s - she was prego when we met her
e - AHHHHHHHHHH
s - i know i know
e - that's awesome...we have the first exclusive pics of Banana Surong Anderson
s - LOL
s - TRUE STORY!!!!
e - i've got to go read about baby Banana in PEOPLE
s - hahah...DO IT!
e - i wonder if that's why she split from her hunny
s - i was soooo excited
s - i SCREAMED when i read it
e - hahaha
s - prolly
e - ah
e - an affair do ya think?
s - yeah
e - i hope it has red hair...
s - he's attractive tho
e - wait, no i dont
s - it has a pic w/ she and him
e - oh ok...nice
s - and she has a slight tummy
e - i love pics
s - RED HAIR LOL
e - ok i'm going now
e - ps - i'm blogging this IM as my third installment
e - thanks for being my pop culture oracle
s - good good, you should
s - lol
s - i'm so happy she's having another baby
s - i bet it's a boy
s - what do you think?
e - i hope so
s - and they name it something like Zappa
e - i want her to have a little WILLIAM MULDER of her own
s - or something weird and buddhist sounding
s - lol
e - yeah
e - ooooooo the pic of the two of them is sooo cute
e - he's saucy
e - and she looks like a cute prego person
e - you know how some are cute and some are...well...not
s - i know! i'm so excited for her!
e - she's cute
s - i know! i'm so excited for her!
s - she was totally like 2 months prego when we hugged her
e - HAHAH
e - eat that PEOPLE
s - hahah...seriously
s - do you think that's why she had a jacket on?
s - or why she wouldn't hug us, as to accentuate her belly
s - OH MYSETERY SOLVED!!!!
e - YESSSSSS
e - it was not, in fact, the restrictive material of the coat
e - but the fact that she was trying to conceal her pregnancy from the press
e - and fans
e - cause we would blog about it
s - totally
s - oh man
s - good work, special agent

(click here to read about the day we met Gillian and see a pic of the infamous "restrictive" coat)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

the middle of the circle

A good friend reminded me last night of a saying that holds monumental truth. We had just been to bible study and been rocked by personal testimonies of how a few of our fellow brothers and sisters had come to Christ.

"I love hearing other people's testimonies. It reaffirms my faith."

"I know, man. It's so eye-opening."

"I know. When I hear people talk about how they just knew it was Jesus who was holding their heart at that very moment, I find peace in that."

"Me too. Jesus is so sweet. He takes the time to come and find us when we think there is nowhere else we can turn."

"Some of those stories rocked me, man. It makes me think of that saying: "If everyone threw their problems in the middle of a circle, they'd come back with their own."

And there it was - the saying. It rang so true to me last night. My problems are nothing compared to what some people are going through or have experienced in their lives. And if we had all thrown our problems in the middle of the circle last night, you can bet your life that I would have taken back my own. I am doing O-Kay. God is good.

I challenge you this week to read stories of people's testimonies. Or, better yet, ask other believers how they came to know Christ. I know for me it always ends up bringing me closer to God when I hear about how he rescued a fellow brother or sister from darkness and brought them to the truth.

Below is a testimony we read about last night, a story not unlike some of the ones I heard about first hand from girls in my very own bible study. The similarities in the moments when one comes to know Christ are so beautifully connected. The experience transcends time, space, race, wealth, geography, or lifestyle. When Jesus finds you, you will be changed.

The life of Sadhu Sundar Singh was most remarkable in its Christ-likeness. Being born amidst the depths of Indian culture and religion, and into a Sikh family, during the early part of his life Sundar's mother would take him week by week to sit at the feet of a sadhu, an ascetic holy man, who lived some distance away in the rainforest. It was his mother who first encouraged him to become a sadhu. She once told him, "Do not be selfish and materialistic like your brothers, but seek for your peace of mind and hold steadily onto your faith. Be a sadhu." However, he never achieved peacefulness in his meditations. Owing to his mother's connections with some women from a British mission in Rajpur, Sundar was able to enter the school run by the missionaries. It was there that Sundar was first exposed to the Bible. He wasn't interested in the Bible at that time. Instead, he ardently buried himself in Hinduism and yogic practices.

But with the death of his beloved mother when he was only fourteen years old, his life had changed dramatically. The young Sundar grew increasingly despairing and aggressive. Convinced that what Jesus had taught was completely wrong, he tore the Bible apart and burned it. He even threw stones at preachers and encouraged others to do likewise. His hatred of the local missionaries and Christians culminated in the public burning of a Bible which he tore apart page by page and threw into the flames.

Still, however hard he tried, he couldn't find the peace he had been seeking for in his own religion. He reached a point in his life where committing suicide crossed his mind. Yet before long Sundar was intent on taking his own life. Sundar had arrived at a point of desperation: he had decided to throw himself under the Ludhiana express if God did not reveal to him the true way of peace. Three days after he burned the Bible in front of his father, he woke up at three in the morning and went out into the moonlit courtyard for the ceremonial bath observed by devout Hindus and Sikhs before worship. He then returned to his room and knelt down, bowed his head to the ground and pleaded that God would reveal himself. Yet nothing happened. He was thinking of throwing himself in front of the train that would pass at 5 a.m. every morning behind their house, in the hope that he would find peacefulness in his future reincarnation. He had not known what to expect: a voice, a vision, a trance? Still nothing happened, and it was fast approaching the time for the Ludhiana express. He repeated his prayer once again. He lifted his head and opened his eyes, and was rather surprised to see a faint cloud of light in the room. It was too early for the dawn. He opened the door and peered out to the courtyard. Darkness.

Turning back into the room he saw that the light in the room was getting brighter. At first he feared that the room was on fire. But nothing happened. He then thought that it might be an answer to his prayer. While watching the light, he suddenly saw Jesus' figure in the radiance. To his sheer amazement he saw not the face of any of his traditional gods, but of Jesus the Christ. Jesus Christ was there in the room, shining, radiating an inexpressible joy and peace and love, looking at him with compassion and asking, "Why do you persecute me? I died for you ..." [Acts 9:1-5] At that time, Sundar realized that Jesus was not dead but alive. Sundar fell on his knees before Him and experienced an astonishing peacefulness which he had never felt before. The vision disappeared, but peace and joy lingered within him.

Thereafter his life was transformed. He wanted to be baptized. Although his family tried to prevent him from his intention, he was determined. In 1905, on his birthday, he was baptized in an English church in Simla. At that time, he decided to become a sadhu, so that he could dedicate himself to the Lord Jesus. As a sadhu, he wore a yellow robe, lived on the charity of others, abandoned all possession and maintained celibacy. He was convinced that this was the best way to introduce the Gospel to his people since it was the only way which his people were accustomed to. In addition, he also wanted to be free to devote himself to the Lord.

Having become a Christian, he was renounced by his father and ostracized by his family. On October 16 1905, Sundar wearing a yellow robe, barefooted and without provisions, resumed his nomadic life from village to village, but this time he followed in Jesus' footsteps. From here on the life of Sundar Singh became most Christ-like. Being unwilling to denounce his Master in the face of his family's rejection, Sundar took the saffron robes of the sadhu and began a life of spreading the simple message of love and peace and rebirth through Jesus. He carried no money or other possessions, only a New Testament.

"I am not worthy to follow in the steps of my Lord," he said, "but like Him, I want no home, no possessions. Like Him I will belong to the road, sharing the suffering of my people, eating with those who will give me shelter, and telling all people of the love of God."

Monday, July 17, 2006

to days of inspiration

For those of you who primarily check this blog, here's my most recent post on my other blog, eyeten entertainment.

Check it out -->

Thursday, July 06, 2006

O Praise Him

last night at bible study we got into a deep discussion about praise and what it means to truly P-R-A-I-S-E the Lord with all of yourself like it says in the last chapters of Psalm.

i came to a conclusion about my own life that perhaps might bring some clarity to yours...

i realized that because i SEEK praise (whether it be from my boss at work or my peers at home) i cannot fully GIVE praise with my whole heart. it's only in those moments of contentment and extreme humility when i'm doing things in His name and expecting NOTHING in return that i am able to pour out praise unto the Lord.

you know the old saying "Seek and Ye Shall Find"?

well, here, i think the case is just the opposite. if you SEEK praise you will NOT find the fullness of the glory of God.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul. I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live." -Psalm 146 1-2

mylove


ok...so i have a major confesstion to make. bloggers, please don't inundate this post with ranting comments telling me how weak i am. believe me, i already know. but...if i may...i have to tell you the WHY behind the WHAT.

the WHAT can be summed up in a simple sentence: i rejoined myspace. **tomatoes being thrown is disgust**

the WHY, however, requires a little more explanation...

i love people. i love meeting new people. i love networking and connecting the dots between the various degrees of relational separation. one of the things i thrive on the most is being able to call someone a "new friend." i've been very fortunate in my young life to have traveled and experienced much and, with that, has come the opportunity and the great fortune of making and having "friends" all over the world. because i sit at a desk all day, my real one link to keeping up with these people is through the internet. i have made great strides and am continuing to nurture my close friendships through phone calls, handwritten letters, and visits but i need a tool to help foster the relationships with those individuals who i had the pleasure of knowing intimately only for a season of my life. thus, i bring you myspace.

i was still resistant of getting back on myspace because i wanted to "stand my ground." i wanted to be consistent and loyal to my first ever blog - the one where i declared the death of my myspace alter-ego. but i was recently inspired by the story of a friend and the way in which myspace was the tool that brought her back into the life of someone she thought she'd really never talk with again.

her name is susie. and this is the story of how susie met eric...again...on myspace:

susie and eric went to college together and were great friends. he was dating someone, she was dating someone, and they were content in their close friendship. despite their respective love interests at the time, both susie and eric were both attracted to each other but neither one ever said anything about it for fear of ruining a good thing: being great friends. college ended and susie and eric went their separate ways. they spoke off and on at the beginning but then their communication sort of trailed off. cut to some 6 years later...susie lives in los angeles and eric lives in atlanta (or somewhere over there). susie gets an inkling to wonder "hmmm...i wonder what eric is up to." the details of exactly what happened next are a little fuzzy as i was listening to this story while shoving chips and french onion dip into my face at a bbq, but the main point is this: susie found eric again on myspace, sent him a message, and the two started talking again. eventually those myspace chats led to emails which led to phone calls which led to confession: they both liked each other and had liked each other for years. i'm happy to report that in a matter of 3 months, susie and eric have started dating, had their first kiss, and susie is moving back to the south to be with him. they're already talking about marriage. these two have always known they were meant to be together.

ps - did i mention that when susie went looking for eric on myspace he had only just joined 2 days before??? (sigh)

when i heard their story, i got to thinking...maybe myspace is NOT the devil after all... while i don't expect to find my long lost soul-mate on the thing, i can at least use it as a tool for people to find me if they're looking and a way for me to keep up with those special people with whom i shared some great memories at one time or another in the past.

so, with that, i'm back on myspace. my profile isn't as fancy and i don't have near as many friends. at least, though, if that dude who sat behind me in mrs. hamilton's physical science class and smelled my hair all day wants to find me, he can.

plus, i work for rupert murdoch who owns myspace now so i like to think i rejoined to support the company.