Friday, July 28, 2006

when you just don't wanna

you ever have that feeling when you know you should do something but your brain, or heart, or ego, or laziness responds with "eh, i just don't wanna"? you don't really have a reason. that phrase, to you, is your reason. it's plain and simple: I JUST DON'T WANNA.

i've been having a lot of those moments lately. whether i engage in using the abovementioned phrase for big things, like my reason for not going to bible study, or little things, like why i didn't eat the rest of my bagel at breakfast. i can't figure out if i'm in a funk or if it's just pure laziness. i don't feel lazy. things that make you say "hmmm." this is one of those things.

i think one of the reasons why "i just don't wanna" do things lately is my awareness that i actually am on my own now. i'm at a point in life where i'm looking for a new job, a new place to live, i have to get a clicking noise fixed on my car, and i'm trying to write a tv pilot in my spare time. sometimes i think "hello? is anyone out there? mommy? dada?" and there's no response. just me. just me, myself, and i. this realization of independence (true independence) is, i think, making it easier for me to make decisions - because i have to. (ps - i'm one of or WAS one of the most indecisive people ever).

ramble ramble ramble ramble. point of this blog is: i want to find a better excuse or reason for why i do or don't do certain things. i know it's good sometimes to "go with your gut" or "follow your heart" but i want to make my decision making a little more cerebral. i want to have an opinion or reason for why i am who i am and make a statement for that.

so, why am i writing this blog? no, not because i just wanna...

i'm writing this blog because my thoughts were reeling this morning and i was tired of my passive attitude toward things. i want to take action, be more active, and by writing this blog it's a step in that direction.

peace out playa

1 comment:

Anton said...

Well it's been two weeks since you penned this post and I JUST finished reading it. It took me that long because you wrote an epic.

So practice kissing huh? That's what guys should do? I knew I was making out with all those prostitutes for a good reason.