when you just don't wanna

you ever have that feeling when you know you should do something but your brain, or heart, or ego, or laziness responds with "eh, i just don't wanna"? you don't really have a reason. that phrase, to you, is your reason. it's plain and simple: I JUST DON'T WANNA.

i've been having a lot of those moments lately. whether i engage in using the abovementioned phrase for big things, like my reason for not going to bible study, or little things, like why i didn't eat the rest of my bagel at breakfast. i can't figure out if i'm in a funk or if it's just pure laziness. i don't feel lazy. things that make you say "hmmm." this is one of those things.

i think one of the reasons why "i just don't wanna" do things lately is my awareness that i actually am on my own now. i'm at a point in life where i'm looking for a new job, a new place to live, i have to get a clicking noise fixed on my car, and i'm trying to write a tv pilot in my spare time. sometimes i think "hello? is anyone out there? mommy? dada?" and there's no response. just me. just me, myself, and i. this realization of independence (true independence) is, i think, making it easier for me to make decisions - because i have to. (ps - i'm one of or WAS one of the most indecisive people ever).

ramble ramble ramble ramble. point of this blog is: i want to find a better excuse or reason for why i do or don't do certain things. i know it's good sometimes to "go with your gut" or "follow your heart" but i want to make my decision making a little more cerebral. i want to have an opinion or reason for why i am who i am and make a statement for that.

so, why am i writing this blog? no, not because i just wanna...

i'm writing this blog because my thoughts were reeling this morning and i was tired of my passive attitude toward things. i want to take action, be more active, and by writing this blog it's a step in that direction.

peace out playa